If You Could Be Mine by Sara Farizan

Author:Sara Farizan [Farizan, Sara]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Algonquin Books
Published: 2013-06-09T22:00:00+00:00

12

“I CAUGHT THE YOUNG man at the grocery store looking at me. It was discreet, but I could tell he liked me. And it felt so good, for him to look at me that way. Like he really wanted me. Like he knew I was a woman.” Katayoun is telling her story. She looks so hopeful, but I can’t stop looking at the clock. Time is running out. I’m politely waiting for Katayoun to finish. I don’t need emotional support—I need to figure out how to do this. How it’s going to work. How I’m going to change.

“Is it wrong for me to feel like . . . I mean, I’m not a loose person,” Katayoun continues, and I feel selfish for wanting her to stop, but I need to get on with it already.

“No, azizam, it’s not wrong. A woman likes to feel beautiful every so often.” Goli khanum is kind with her surrogate children. They listen to her advice because she was one of the first, a pioneer. She’s lived longer as her true self than they have. She’s lived longer as her true self than I ever will, if I ever make this change. After hearing their stories at the last meeting, I know none of their struggles have been easy. Jamshid even talks about how hard it was between him and his sister once he transitioned. His sister felt like she had lost her best friend and gained a stranger as a brother. He says she’s getting better about calling him Jamshid instead of Niloufar.

Katayoun has unshed tears in her eyes, too embarrassed to let them spill. “I’m just tired of feeling sorry for myself. I sit in my room all day and wonder if it would have been better if I just died.”

“Probably.”

Everyone hisses and gasps at Maryam’s retort. It’s the only thing she’s said all meeting. Maryam is angry. I envy her sometimes. How easy it is for her anger to proudly be on display. I always feel guilty when I get angry. Baba has been working on a custom-made dining room set, but I can tell his heart isn’t in it. I shouldn’t scold him, but I do. Well, I won’t be around much longer, anyway. I doubt he will accept me once I change. I can stay with Ali. Meanwhile, I feel the wedding getting closer. I have a recurring dream about Reza and his stupid smile. He’s holding Nasrin’s hand as she stands next to him, grinning beneath fearful eyes. Nasrin keeps calling out for me, but I never come. When I get there, they vanish right before my eyes. I always wake up after that.

“I just don’t know why Allah would do this. Why would the Merciful One create me one way when I’m supposed to be another way? Why do I always feel like I switched one prison for another? My body for my country.” Katayoun is sobbing. Parveen puts an arm around her shoulder. Emotions take up too much time.

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